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stale notions by ~octopus2727:iconoctopus2727:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Human Nature > Open


The smell of sulphur, cracked lips
narrow hips and winding tail
If thou be'st a devil I cannot kiss thee
Kiss thee? I cant stand you,
Let alone kiss you,
again.
Your cresent smile
Brings to mind a time
When i'd smile too

you collect your shrivelled dress
from our, my, barren bunker.
I tap scratched walls
and look away.

Its cold now.
No more sulphur.
No more nestling feet, late nights
body heat.
No more quick glances, slow dances
quirky notes and orange peels.
No more, no less.
©2008-2009 ~octopus2727
:iconoctopus2727:

Author's Comments

Just that feeling when we try and convince we've done the right thing. The fact that we need convincing makes us wonder.

Comments


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:iconoleem:
~Oleem Jul 7, 2008, 6:57:56 PM
I think your ideas are decent and I love how this flows and sounds. My main issue is that there are a few minor stylistic inconsistencies; the first stanza has an archaic feel as opposed to the modernity of the last stanza. You should consider recycling the last stanza into a new piece; I found it to be a lot more interesting in tone/mood, imagery, rhythm, and diction.
:iconoctopus2727:
~octopus2727 Jul 8, 2008, 4:57:50 AM
I see your point, and i'm not ignoring your advice but I actually love this poem, even when I read it now. I admit that the first stanza lacks a little, but I guess its a personal thing so I wrote it in a way that i'd personally enjoy.

I might try out your suggestion though and write a piece based on the final stanza, actually, yes, i will! Thanks!:)

--
The difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
:iconunaccompanied-me:
~Unaccompanied-me Jul 17, 2008, 1:58:20 PM
I see what Oleem meant about the contrasting styles... I'm not sure whether I like it or not...

But, oh, I just love the second and third stanzas! You have no idea. I've thought of this kind of topic a lot, but I've never attempted because I didn't think I could capture that feeling, like you did here. Like the formality, the quasi-regret, the awkwardness... I fell in love with that middle stanza.

--
I'm no expert, so take the above with a grain of salt.


~writeaway*PoetryPlease*The-Literati~The-Last-Stanza
:iconoctopus2727:
~octopus2727 Jul 18, 2008, 4:09:03 AM
Wow thank you, I love that word, 'quasi-regret'. Despite my own fondness of the first stanza, i'm going to scrap it for a while, as I do see the contrast. Thank you very much for the praise, my ego has been fulfilled for today!:)

--
The difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
:iconoctopus2727:
~octopus2727 Jul 18, 2008, 4:17:20 AM
I tried to get rid of the first stanza, but its taking a long time at the moment, i shall get back to it though!!

--
The difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
:icondtee-sawk:
~Dtee-Sawk Jul 21, 2008, 2:28:27 AM
Yeah,stanza two is utterly fantastic! Brimming with emotion...
The middle-english style is interesting,but like you said,you did it because you like it,not because it works!

Wheres the self-convincing?
Maybe im just too dense to pick it up...

And the last line?
Why did you write "no less"?
"No more quick glances, slow dances
quirky notes and orange peels.
No more, no less. "

Of course theres going to be less of that lovey dovey stuff,theyre broken up arent they?

--
Those who say something is impossible should not interrupt the person doing it
:iconoctopus2727:
~octopus2727 Jul 21, 2008, 5:53:58 AM
The self convincing is the last line. The first stanza is him trying to convince himself that shes a devil or whatever(Othello-'if thou be'st a devil I cannot kill thee';), and that he made the right choice by ending it. In the second he sees her as she collects her stuff, which leads to the last stanza where all the good memories come back, but in the last line he shuts them off, the no less meaning he will find someone like her in no time, or at least thats what he tries to tell himself.

--
The difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
:icondtee-sawk:
~Dtee-Sawk Jul 21, 2008, 6:15:20 AM
Gotcha!

--
Those who say something is impossible should not interrupt the person doing it
:iconoctopus2727:
~octopus2727 Jul 21, 2008, 7:06:29 AM
:)

--
The difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
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